They're Everywhere

There is no escape from them. Not anywhere.

$$$$

"--so you see, none of it was my fault. You can't blame me because the Uber driver wouldn't take me to the gate of Hell like I paid him to."

"Frankly, I didn't even know we had a Hellgate in Akron. Cincinnati, yeah, that one's been around for centuries. But Akron? Let me check my files..."

"Don't bother. That's the other problem. There isn't any Hellgate in Akron. I was given bad information. The demon lied." 

"Well, it was a demon. You have to expect a certain amount of--"

"Not about this, they shouldn't. I mean, that's the whole point of being a demon, right? You condemn souls to Hell. You don't send them off on a wild goose chase to Akron just for giggles. Don't you people have any regulations?"

"None of this makes any difference. You were assigned to Hell upon your passing. You were supposed to show up at the gate at precisely--"

"No, I was supposed to be brought to the gate. Those were Death's exact words. He said I'd be conducted to my final destination. He promised someone would see to it. Then he had to leave. Something about missiles going off in the Middle East."

"Well, Death's pretty busy these days, what with pandemics and all..."

"So I had to find an Uber with a psychic driver so he could see me, then we had to ask a demon for directions but the demon told us Akron and when we couldn't find it the Uber driver just dumped me out and next thing I know your goons are hauling me off to this shitty place and they said I'm in big trouble but it wasn't my fault you've got shitty people working for you. I shouldn't even be in Hell anyway. What did I ever do?"

"What did you say your name was?"

"Karen. Karen White. And I have had it up to here. I want to speak to the manager."

Labor Day Two for One Sale

A pair of flash fics for the holiday weekend. Enjoy!

Oh, and Death to Skynet!

$$$$

"Guys, if I might have your attention for a minute. I've noticed some of you haven't been taking membership in our esteemed club very seriously."

"Oh yeah. The Brotherhood of the Amiable Toaster Pastries. Just shrieks out respect, doesn't it?"

"I wasn't going to name names, Harold, but since you volunteered--"

"Oh, can it, Rothschild. We're only here because the other august societies wouldn't have us.  You know it, I know it, I'll bet even Putin knows it. We don't even do community service projects. We sit around on Tuesday nights, drink beer and bitch about our wives."

"I don't."

"That's because your girlfriend left you, Drummond. I can't believe you picked this sham of a shitshow over her."

"It was a mutual separation. I happen to enjoy the meetings. Even your company, Harold. And Rothschild isn't that big of a prick. Only when he's talking."

"Hey!"

"Oh, and thanks for the beer. I've heard the Shriners make you buy your own."

"That's another thing. A lot of you have been remiss in paying dues."

"We're supposed to pay? I thought it was voluntary."

"It's like a timeshare. The rent won't pay itself, y'know."

"So we meet somewhere else. The bowling alley, maybe. We can ditch the wussy club and become a league. People respect bowling."

"Yeah, there's a thought..."

"Muriel hated bowling..."

"Now look what you've gone and done. Drummond's blubbering again. Fine, then. All those in favor of disbanding the Brotherhood, raise your hands. Now, it's my understanding Thursday is league night, so that's out..." 

$$$$

"I must say, you're a lot taller than I thought you would be."

"Dude. I'm Godzilla."

"Really? Shouldn't you be speaking Japanese?"

"Normally, yes, but I've been dubbed in English to cater to American audiences."

"That was very considerate of you. So you're my blind date?"

"Looks like. I'd say the service screwed up majorly. You're male, right? I can't always tell humans apart."

"Afraid so. Though I did say I'm into leather."

"Bugger. I'll bet they let an AI program do the matchups. What else did you put on your profile?"

"'Fond of Japanese cuisine'."

"Damn. Me too. Well, there you go."

"So...do you want to give it a shot, then? What would you like to do?"

"Destroy Tokyo."

"I've destroyed a city or two myself in my time...maybe that's how we got matched. That and the green thing."

"I don't understand."

"My name is Bruce Banner."

"Still not getting it."

"Just give me a minute...grrhhhhAARRGGHH!"

"Oh. Oh! Yes, that's much better. We're still quite a ways from Tokyo, though...well, beggers can't be choosers. How do you feel about wrecking Cleveland?"

"Hulk smash?"

"I'll take the tall buildings and rip up the power stations. You do street level."

"Get sushi after."

"Sounds perfect. Hop on my tail, I'll give you a lift."

"Big lizard fun date."

"Aww. I'll bet you say that to all the kaiju."