If She Be Worthy

 

“Whosoever holds this hammer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor”

--inscription on Mjolnir (or Jonathan, if you believe Paul Rudd)

Okay then. It’s been over a week since I announced my year-long challenge to myself to write a paranormal romance series (eight books) in a year. In order, not hopping around piecemeal like I have been. Since the challenge’s inception (September 20) to today (October 1) my progress has been…

Pretty much zilch.

I think I maybe looked at the typed-up beginning of Book #1 once. Did some minor spot edits. That was it. The side project, on the other hand, has been chugging along at a steady pace. That one’s wrapping up, though, and may be finished in another two weeks if I really put my mind to it.

That’s the thing. Had I “really put my mind to it” two-three years ago, when I first decided to write the series, it would be done, out on the market and (hopefully) selling by now, and maybe I’d have the money to re-floor the bathroom and not have to worry about possibly needing to pay for updated eyeglasses in November. Or a new couch, after the old one shoved out a nail that caught me in the leg one night. Trips to the emergency room for stitches and a tetanus shot ain’t cheap.

So, in addition to wanting to tell the story, I’m heavy financially motivated to get this written and out. I’ve got the overall story arc, general plots and characters for all eight books. I know how the story begins and ends. I’ve even got a handful of standalone sequels waiting in the wings with bated pages. All I have to do is write the thing.

So why can’t I?

I’ve tried. Several times. Book #3 is done. That one was easy. That one also wasn’t supposed to exist, but I just loved the characters. I started Book #1. It stalled. I jumped to Book #2. Most of that’s written, but in longhand. I went to type it up and it stalled. Book #4 ran into plot and character problems and will need to be revamped and re-started. Book #7 was going great guns for a while but…yeah.

I put it aside while I focused on the side project, which gave me no trouble at all. Maybe because it had no sex scenes in it. I have trouble writing sex scenes and tend to skip them in first draft. But sooner or later they have to be written, because that’s really what sells the books. Maybe I shouldn’t be writing erotic romance. These days I don’t seem to want to write anything.

What did I do over the past week? Not much. I had a paid assignment that needed to get out. I had plenty of time to do that too. I’d have had it done early if I hadn’t blown off several hours a day playing video games. That’s another problem that’s cropped up over the years. I sit down at the laptop to write or to work and instead hop over to a game site and start playing. Or hang out on YouTube and watch videos. Or get up and watch TV. Or take a nap. It used to be just to avoid writing, but now the procrastination is encroaching on the paid work, and that’s the part that scares me. If I lose this job without some kind of backup, I’m going to be in deep doodoo.

It’s not lack of time, or a dearth of ideas, or even a flooded market. I know the series has a guaranteed home waiting for it. Not to mention there’s always self-publishing, so deadline pressures are non-existent. So is rejection, for that matter.

And yet, something’s keeping me from simply sitting down and writing, or working, and it’s getting stronger. It kept me from writing this blog for three days. It had me playing games until midnight last night. It appears to be triggered by sitting at the laptop because I have no trouble writing longhand. Unfortunately everything’s digital now, so the laptop’s a necessary evil. So is WiFi, which is where YouTube, the games, and all the other pretty shiny distracting things are. I used to be limited in WiFi access by the library’s hours, but Covid shut everything down and forced me to get home WiFi so I could keep getting work and keep getting paid. Thanks for nothing, pandemic.

I’ve already figured out the general procrastination is just a symptom of an underlying problem. Something lurking in my subconscious hears me proclaim I’m going to do something in league with my lifelong dreams, like write a book or lose weight or even mow the lawn and it says, “Oh no you ain’t,” and throws the urge to do literally anything else in my way. Anything that will waste time better spent being productive, that is. And more often than not, I go for it. I abandon the road to success in favor of the easy path of work avoidance. Three to eight to sometimes ten hours later I get up, berate myself and call it a day. Another wasted day.

Having a dream is commendable. But it doesn’t happen on its own. You have to make it happen. You need to do whatever it takes to achieve the goals that will make your dream come true. If you don’t, if all you do is talk and then instead of working go play games or watch TV or something equally time-sucking, maybe you should reassess your dreams. It may turn out you want something else, something you will be willing to work for.

Or it could be a lack of confidence. Maybe you don’t think you deserve a life of success and financial freedom. You may have been told that by others or simply told it to yourself, often enough that you come to believe it. Especially if you’ve got your heart set on a non-traditional vocation, like something in the arts. Skill can take you only so far; the rest relies on luck and talent. Have you truly got what it takes? Are you truly worthy of your dreams?

The only way to find that out is if you take your shot. Tell those voices, real and inner, to go take a flying leap and then get to work. The games can wait. You can’t. Every day that passes is another day lost forever, and their number is always dwindling.

It won’t be easy. That inner voice especially can be malicious. You’ll need to work extra hard to shut that fucker up. There are plenty of tricks and tips for avoiding the procrastination traps your subconscious will try to set for you. Here’s where the Internet actually proves its worth: a Google search will help you find a ton of them and you can experiment until you find the one(s) that work for you. As long as you don’t use researching procrastination and its causes and cures as an excuse to procrastinate. That’s obviously counterproductive.

Bottom line, it’s action that ultimately wins the day. You may need to work on yourself before you find you can work on hitting your goals. Prove to yourself that you’re worthy of the life that you imagine.

Which is why I’m altering the goals of the challenge a bit. I’m still going to work on the series, but writing it for publication (and money) is no longer the end I’m aiming for. I’ll be doing this to try to figure out what’s been holding me back all these years, so I can finally deal with it and stop being such an underachiever. Show myself, if no one else, that I am indeed worthy to wield this talent I’ve been given, and that I can reap monetary benefits from it. Will I succeed? Haven’t a clue. We’ll know by next September.

Here’s a trick to get us both started. My first two laptops came with games on the hard drive and no way to remove or block them, so I was pretty much up the creek. This latest laptop doesn’t, but the Internet does, and I’ve now got 24/7 Internet access. That’s easy enough to get around, though: just unplug the WiFi. Problem solved. The writing and the work files are on the hard drive and unaffected. When I do need Internet while I’m working (for email and fact-checking) I go to YouTube or Spotify and run background music, which ties up the system and keeps me from getting bored with work and jumping over to the games. If I need to fact check, I write myself a note and come back to it when I’m done, then shut off the laptop before I can get distracted by anything else. Then go write longhand. Or read a book. Or get out of the house and take a walk. Staying healthy gives you more energy and lessens the negativity that leads to procrastination. Two birds, one stone. Happy writing!