Where we left off last week: Having run into issues on my year-long personal writing challenge—an inability to successfully launch after two weeks being the biggest obstacle—I decided to regroup and approach it from another angle. This time when procrastination hit, I’d ask myself why I couldn’t get this thing off the ground, and figure out ways to trick my pesky subconscious into getting out of the way so I could accomplish a long-held dream of not only writing, but making some money at it. I’ve been published several times over the years, but never been able to stick with it long enough to build any kind of real success. Something always got in the way, like having a job. Or having to look for a job after a layoff so I could have a home and regular meals. Starvation really puts a crimp in creativity.
Now I’ve got a home-based job with flexible hours and enough income to survive on, so the outside issues are dealt with. That leaves the inner problems, which is what the challenge is now all about: identifying the little psychological bastards so I can ice them and get on with the job of telling stories for fun and profit. More for fun at this point. One step at a time.
For the writing itself, I set up a schedule: morning for my own writing, afternoon for any paid assignments, evenings to either do a bit of extra work or just unwind and read or something. Housework, yard work and grocery shopping to be shoehorned in during fallow periods. I marked the calendar to commence bright and early Monday morning.
Dr. Phil: “How’s that working for ya?”
Ehhhh…writing-wise, it didn’t. Somehow I kept blowing off the morning hours. Not as far as the side project was concerned, though. That continued, but my progress slowed to a trickle. It’s nearing its end and I can feel myself dragging my heels. The series fared even worse. I’d sit at the laptop completely unable to write. Unplugging the WiFi didn’t help, so I’d plug in and check my email and usual sites and that was pretty much it until noon. I didn’t touch the series at all last week. The paid work didn’t fare much better. I’d do a little bit, then goof off. Or leave the house entirely to get groceries or pay bills. Next thing you know, it’s dinner time. My work-brain tends to shut down around 4 anyway, so very little ever gets done in the evening, unless I’m forced by a looming deadline.
Then there was the day I spent the entire time playing computer games and didn’t touch the writing or the paid work. Except for the side project, which isn’t on the computer. The less said about this day, the better.
I did discover I have no problem working if I tie up the WiFi playing background music. Back in the days of vinyl I always had the stereo on while typing, so music plus work is ingrained. And I may have caught a glimpse of what could be going on in my head that’s keeping me from higher achievement.
Yes, fear of success and/or failure and just plain laziness haven’t been ruled out yet. But it’s possible my current biggest problem is an inability to multitask.
I’ve tried in the past to work on more than one thing at a time. It’s never been successful. Once I’m caught up in a project, I want to see it through nonstop to the end. I can’t seem to balance writing and working a job at the same time. Especially if that job consists of lots of reading. My brain wants to concentrate on one or the other. I can’t give up the job because I still need the income, but when the assignment’s done I can’t write because I’ve lost my momentum with the story. Or at least that’s my excuse. Like I said, I had no trouble working on the longhand side project every day. In fact, there were days I used that as my excuse not to work on the paid stuff until later in the day, endangering the deadline and often forcing me to put off writing so I could get the work out and get paid. You see how insidious this becomes after a while?
And I wanted to throw the series into this toxic mix? What the hell was I thinking? Of course that wasn’t going to work. For starters, once I’ve done a longhand session, Brain decides I’ve done my writing for the day and shuts that portion down. What? You want to do more? Why? Brain is a lazy beast. So I turn to the paid work, but now I’m bored and resentful. So I go play games or watch YouTube. And that’s how I end up stressed and panicking as the Dreaded Deadline Doom approaches and I need to do an all-day slog so I can keep paying for the WiFi that’s distracting me. It’s a vicious cycle, all self-inflicted.
One of my many self-help books calls this “avoidance behavior.” You’re faced with two or more choices, none of which really appeal to you, so you respond by choosing “none of the above.” This is how I ended up playing games that one whole day last week. I had plenty of time in the morning to work on the series. I could have gotten a couple of hours in, taken a break, then worked on the paid stuff. Instead I decided, “Just one game and then I’ll get to work.” One game became roughly five hours of accomplishing absolutely nothing. I didn’t even top my high score. But I successfully avoided both writing and work, which I’m sure was Brain’s intention. I’d already written something in the morning, so that made everything okay.
No, it doesn’t. Brain, I’m calling shenanigans.
I’ve also identified another bad action that sly little dick has pulled on me. Part of the reason I can’t get going is because this time around I chose to write the series in sequence. Last time I was writing the books out of order because I couldn’t get Book 1, the all-important (and therefore intimidating) series opener, to work. And I still can’t. The whole thing is logjammed now because Brain doesn’t want to write Book 1 or work on the paid stuff. Brain has thrown in the towel. That’s not helping anybody, so I’m going to have to step up and take charge.
This week, I’m going back to the schedule, but with a changeup: I’m returning to writing the series out of order. Books 2 and 7 were working, so I’ll go back to them. Once I’m done with the side project, Book 1 will become the new side project, to be written longhand away from the laptop and all its distractions. I’m not going to worry about importance or perfectionism or any of that shit. I’m just going to scrawl on the page until I’ve got a story, which is pretty much how I wrote the other side project. Just get something down on paper that I can work with. Part of the problem is Book 1’s tone is different from the other volumes; I realize now the others are part action, part romcom, while Book 1 was slower paced, like a horror story. I also have a better grasp of the characters in the other books than I do of the people in Book 1. Book 1’s cast is going to reappear in Book 5, where something truly horrible happens to one of the heroes. That may also be a source of stress. However, another source of stress will be removed shortly, since my deadline for the paid work is this Friday and nothing else is on the schedule yet. I may get a week off from “work” to establish better writing habits. And clean the house and stock up on groceries so I won’t have to go out during work hours.
Can I pull this off? I think so, but given my past behavior I’m going to have to say, “This may take a while.” That’s fine. I give myself permission to fail until I finally succeed. Another behavior I started last week was paying attention to my posture. I’ve been walking around the house with my back straight and head up, and it really does make me feel better. More energetic. So “Fake it till you make it” is actually a thing. Though all this will need to start tomorrow because I just ate up my morning session writing this blog. I hope somebody will find this helpful. Especially me. Happy writing!
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