Oh, What the Heck

 Supernatural is done. It's wrapped and entered the land of syndication. I know what I said last year about posting Christmas pictures. But screw that. Thanks to Covid, the show wrapped in October, which is close enough to the end of the year to justify one last hurrah. So I get to give Sam, Dean and Cas a final, final sendoff. Happy Holidays, y'all!

Dirty Harry Visits the Library

 

Here I am again, back to give this blogging thing another try. Today I’m going to share a true story from  the pre-Covid days, when the county’s library system was open and you could actually hang out in the lobby and talk to people. Or indulge in the free WiFi, which is why I was up there all the time. Or curl up in a secluded corner and take a nap, which I witnessed on several occasions. Where do these people go now that everything’s locked down and you can’t hang out in lobbies or coffee shops or fast-food joints any more? They were already practicing social distancing. I certainly never went near them.

Back to the story. I was in the library’s second-hand bookstore, chatting with friend and fellow writer Larry, who was volunteering at the register. There was only one customer at the time, poking around the shelves. I’m not sure what we were discussing, but it must have had something to do with a common complaint of mine, people in grocery stores who park their carts right in front of the one item I went in to get. Or who hold conferences in the middle of the aisle and there’s no room to get around them. You ask them politely to move and their give you the Laser Death Stare. Usually they’re women. Men know better than to attempt grocery shopping.

All of a sudden Mr. Customer decides to join the conversation. “That happened to me,” he says. He proceeds to describe how he was out shopping and apparently took too long to examine the beans or whatever, because some woman poked him with her cart and asked—no, demanded he move. I asked him if he was in WalMart and he said yes. Of course. Things like this always happen in a WalMart.

Including Mr. Customer’s reaction. He said he turned on the woman and started bawling her out.

I should mention Mr. Customer is a white guy, maybe somewhere in his 30s, in okay shape physically and well over six feet tall. He didn’t describe the woman, but I think it’s safe to assume that, regardless of skin color, she was over her ideal weight and shorter than he is. Since she was female and armed with a cart, she probably figured she could get away with rude behavior. Not with our Mr. Customer, however, who told us how he proceeded to lay down the law with this hag. When her husband came running to her defense, Mr. Customer noted Hubby was also shorter, and proceeded to lay the verbal smackdown on him too.

You see, Mr. Customer confided to Larry and me, he has a concealed carry permit. Mr. Customer doesn’t have to take no shit from some Karen and her wussy little hubby, because Mr. Customer’s packing heat. Ain’t nobody gonna mess with him.

He then told us all about his gun and how he’s legally entitled to carry it around and nobody knows he’s got it because it’s concealed. Though not always. He let slip that he sometimes walks around with the handle fully visible, right in his pocket so people can see it. Right in public, right in stores, right where people gather.

This was the point where I started to get scared. Because he told us all this with such glee, such excitement. Oh so proud of himself. Like a little kid who’s been given the toy he lusted after for his birthday, and can’t wait to go try it out. And stationary targets are just so boring. A bull’s-eye won’t turn pale and stutter and back away and prove that you’re the tough guy you always knew you were.

 I didn’t say a word either for or against. I’m not stupid. He might’ve had the gun on him, there in the library. He’d just bragged about picking a fight with two randos in a WalMart. It sounded like Karen and her short, hapless hubby escaped unscathed. I didn’t want either Larry or me to provide validation for this nutso.

Because the progression was clear. He has a gun. Even though it’s supposed to be concealed, he likes to wear it openly, like a dare. If some yotz annoys him, he doesn’t shrug it off. He goes on the attack. That gleam in his eyes as he related his tale told me he wants a confrontation. He wants an excuse to pull out his gun and watch the color drain from some other asshole’s face. He’s looking for somebody to go ahead and make his day.

As I said at the beginning, this all went down last year, pre-Covid. Obviously Larry and I survived the experience. I don’t know what happened to Mr. Customer. At the time I was convinced he’d wind up either in jail or dead before the year was out. In jail because he’d shot somebody (and probably claim it was either accidental or self-defense) or dead because he picked a fight with the wrong person—someone else who was packing, legal or not, and proved a lot faster on the draw. For all I know, Karen’s short hubby got his own concealed carry permit after the incident, because you never know what you’ll run into at the WalMart. If Mr. Customer met Hubby in the bean aisle again, bet he got the shock of his life. Among other things.

Fortunately, the virus and mandated lockdowns are keeping us away from each other, and have cut down on the chances of shootouts in the bean aisle. I like to use those mini grocery carts; less chance of bumping a fellow shopper and setting off an explosion. I also steer clear of WalMart, though it’s tough now that the Kmart’s gone. I’d go to Target, but that name’s not very encouraging…

I Think I Broke Yahoo

I’ll admit it, I’m just like every other sucker on the Net. I’ll click on a Yahoo article if it’s about something I’m interested in. Especially any news about Supernatural, but other, real-life stuff too. Most of the time it’s clickbait, with very little substance and usually not much style. Sometimes I’ll find something of genuine interest that’s occasionally informative.

As a rule I don’t leave a comment, positive or negative. At least, not until the other day. This is where our story begins.

I’d gone over to Yahoo to check my email. First I scrolled down the page to see what’s going on in the world. They had an article posted on “19 films featuring MCU actors currently appearing on Netflix”—basically a Netflix commercial, with “MCU” (Marvel Cinematic Universe) actors as the bait to lure you in. It worked on me, and I clicked.

The article delivered what it promised. It listed films featuring Scarlett Johanssen, Anthony Mackie, Chris Hemsworth’s new action picture, stuff Samuel L. Jackson did besides Pulp Fiction, a Chris Evans movie, and so forth. An innocuous piece of fluff, but as I skimmed through it I realized there was one movie missing that featured not one but three MCU actors that apparently Netflix wasn’t running, that certain segments of the fandom might enjoy.

Which brings us to Wonder Boys.

Debuting in 2000 and based on the novel by Michael Chabon, Wonder Boys draws us into the life of college professor Grady Tripp, who years ago wrote a bestselling novel but was never able to finish a second one. As the movie opens, his current opus stands at two thousand pages and counting. The plot, such as it is, follows Tripp around for a weekend as he deals with his life, his stalled writing career, his visiting editor, a troubled student from his creative writing class (who’s a talented writer in his own right), and his affair with the dean’s wife, who’s pregnant. I considered it an okay movie, funny in spots but a bit disjointed.

The draw for me was the subject matter (writers) and the casting. Repeated viewings of Ant-Man for some reason stirred in me a belated interest in the work of Michael Douglas. He was just so much fun as Hank Pym. Since I don’t have Netflix or any other streaming service, I scoured the county library system and found Wonder Boys on DVD. Imagine my surprise and delight when I discovered that the film also stars Robert Downey Jr. as Tripp’s editor and Tobey Maguire as the weirdo writing student. That’s Hank Pym, Iron Man and Spider-Man (well, a version of him) in the same flick. It’s like a pre-Marvel Marvel movie, at least in terms of casting.

So, if Netflix is so keen on running movies that feature MCU actors, why aren’t they featuring this one?

Maybe because it’s not an action pic. Maybe because it flopped during its original release. Or maybe it’s because Downey’s character is gay and takes a shine to Maguire’s character. Which led, at one point in the film, to this:

There you have it, Iron/Spider shippers: Tony Stark in bed with Peter Parker. Probably not the kind of thing Netflix would want to promote. Disney sure as hell wouldn’t want news of this to get out.

But good ol’ me, I’ve gotta tell somebody. So I made my first and so far only comment on a Yahoo story, naming this movie and pointing out the scene. I consider it my duty to keep Marvel fans and completists informed.

Comment posted, I continued on with my Internet business. Maybe a half hour later or so I checked back. The story and my single comment were still there. I logged off and went on to other things.

Later in the day I logged back on to see if there’d been any reaction. The story, my comment included, had vanished. Nowhere at all on the Yahoo page. I Googled the story and found it on its original site, but without comments and no way to leave any.

To date, that particular article has not returned to Yahoo.

Was I silenced? Did Netflix panic and yank the article? Did Yahoo? Did Disney? Or is it all just coincidence?

Looks like my career commenting on Yahoo stories is over before it began. Yeah well. I got a blog post out of it. And so did the five or six of you who appear to be tuning in. Enjoy it while you can, before Disney comes after me. Never eff with the Mouse…

A Woman's Secret Weapon

Huh. Would you look at that. I’m actually getting some traffic on this blog. Not bad, considering I haven’t updated in years. It’s probably just Russian bots, but hey. A click’s a click.

For the record, I'm okay. I don't think I've got the virus. So far, so good. I had a bout of bronchitis in February,right before everything went to hell. Maybe that scared it off. I had to get home WiFi because all my sources of free WiFi disappeared literally overnight, and I need to download and send files if I want to keep getting paid. Other than that, for me it's been business as usual. I was working at home and anti-social to begin with. All the virus did was governmentally sanction my normal behavior.

And now I find people are looking at this. So here’s some brand-new content, for you, my devoted fans.

****

If you’re a fan of superheroes, and tend to hang out with other fans, sooner or later the question arises: who’d win in a fight between Hero X and Hero Y? The pairings generally end up being either Thor vs. the Hulk or Superman vs. Thor or the Hulk. This is because heroes are usually judged by their powers or physical strength, and Thor, Hulk and Superman (in whatever order you choose) are the top tier, physically. (For the record, if it’s Batman vs. anyone else, the winner is always Batman. Just so you know in advance.)

Being of a different gender than the majority of comic book fans, I’ve been hankering to see a throwdown between Thor and Wonder Woman, because I’m pretty sure Diana would win. They may be evenly matched in physical strength—granted, Thor’s probably stronger—but when it comes to combat skills, armed or unarmed, Diana’s got the edge. She’s been trained in both by professional warriors. Thor’s reliance on his hammer has probably made him complacent. That, and his self-assurance that he can deck anyone with a punch, would leave him wide open to a skilled, experienced pro.

I can even picture it: Thor makes some chauvinistic remark about Diana’s outfit and she promptly knocks him on his ass. Thor gets up and—assuming he has more than two brain cells—reassesses the situation, wisely decides being an a-hole is going to get him pummeled, and rejoins the battle, which Wonder Woman wins anyway because, again, trained vs. untrained fighter. This is why you need to stay in school, kids.

Sidebar: back in the ‘70s DC put out a special one-shot tabloid-sized comic of Superman vs. Muhammed Ali. Google it if you don’t believe me. I just did to skim the plot, since I never read it. It turned out just the way I figured: they nullified Superman’s powers for the duration of the fight, making the two even in physical strength. Whereupon Ali mopped up the ring with Supes because Ali was a trained, experienced boxer. Superman just throws punches. Take away the advantage of super-strength, or pit him against someone of equal strength but better skill, and he’s liable to get flattened. Same for Thor. Maybe not the Hulk because the Hulk is too stupid to stop fighting. This isn’t about strength anyway. I’m about to get to my point.

Back to Thor and Wonder Woman. The above used to be my guestimated scenario, until Thor: Ragnarok came out. In that movie the God of Thunder underwent a serious power upgrade, emphasis on “god.” I’m not sure what Diana is: Amazon, demigoddess, mutant, who knows, but she’s no longer in Thor’s class. After the events of Ragnarok, we might have to leave the battle of the sexes to Thor vs. the Scarlet Witch. In spite of her strength and formidable skills, I don’t think Diana is capable of going toe-to-toe with Thor any more.

Unless…

There’s one trick Thor wouldn’t know but Diana would, if not from her Amazon instructors then from her female friends from outside Paradise Island. It’s the first self-defense skill girls are taught and every man’s afraid of. That secret weapon is The Knee. Delicately put, it involves the impact of a woman’s solid kneecap against not-so-solid parts of the male anatomy. It’s considered a dirty move, but when you’re in a bar and some a-hole’s hitting on you and he’s a foot taller than you are, outweighs you by a hundred pounds, won’t take no for an answer and starts getting belligerent, a dirty move is not only acceptable, it’s downright necessary. It’s that or pepper spray, guys. You get to carry guns, so don’t whine.

So here we have Thor and Wonder Woman on the battlefield. She’s got him beat in weapons and hand-to-hand. Then Thor decides to teach the uppity hussy a lesson and starts flinging lightning bolts at her. Now she’s in trouble. Until she remembers the first move taught to her by her mother the Queen of the Amazons, about the quickest way to put a stop to grabby demigods. And she realizes Thor, arrogant alpha-hole that he is, isn’t wearing a cup.

She gets in close and takes aim. Game, set and match.

Afterwards, hanging out in Valhalla with the guys, Thor will tell his buddies she was a worthy opponent and he let her win because he’s a gentleman. Loki figures out the truth and never lets him forget it. Diana never even bothers to tell the Justice League. She fought a god and won. No big. It’s all part of the job.

Which leads to the ultimate question: would The Knee work on Superman?

If he’s at the height of his powers, and if kryptonite isn’t involved, then probably not. Not even from Wonder Woman. She might cause him a little discomfort, but I doubt if she could bring him down. I don’t think it would work on the Hulk, either. Yeah, it would hurt, but he’d just get angrier and keep fighting. Not much stops the Hulk. Although The Knee from Superman might do the trick. Except he’s a dude, so he’d never even think of it.

His cousin Kara, on the other hand…

There’s the member of the El family who could take out the Hulk. Supergirl’s female, and she's spent half her life on Earth, among human males. You better believe she knows about The Knee, and if the Hulk came charging at her, she wouldn’t hesitate to use it. She might even use it on cousin Kal if he pissed her off. I don’t know if Kryptonians have to deal with PMS, but it’s probably wisest to stay on Kara’s good side.

So, in the case of superhero smackdowns, the winner would be … drum roll… Batman. Because he’s the goddamn Batman. Or Dr. Strange. I don’t care how strong you are, when your opponent waves his hand and flings you through a portal into another dimension, you’re pretty much up the creek. (Ask Loki, again from Thor: Ragnarok.) I just find it a shame guys don’t adopt The Knee as part of their skill set, if only as a last resort. Imagine if Iron Man had used it on Thanos. Infinity War would have been a whole different movie.

Hide and Seek

Here’s a situation to make even the nicest author fume. JJ's books haven’t been doing well on Amazon lately, so I did a simple check to see how accessible they are. I went on Amazon blind (did not sign in), typed “J. J. Collins” under the Kindle section, hit Enter, and—

Well. What popped up were books by J. L. Collins, a couple books by Joel C. Rosenberg whose character’s name is Collins, several Sponsored selections, and books that had nothing at all in their titles or bylines that had anything to do with Collins or the initials J. J. This situation persisted for page after page. After page. After page. It wasn’t until around page 23 that I finally found one of JJ's books. That’s twenty-three pages of other people’s books, most of which were written by authors whose names are nothing at all like J. J. Collins.

Excuse me? I was under the impression when you type something into Search, that’s what it searches for and that’s what it gives you. If you type “Joan Smith,” shouldn’t that be the first thing, not the twenty-first thing, that comes up?

At least that explains why JJ's getting more sales from Barnes and Noble all of a sudden. When I type in “J. J. Collins” over there, the books come up on pages two and three, after the works of “John J. Collins”—a JJ with more sales, so that’s understandable. But JJ's not going to get more sales if Amazon keeps burying her books under a pile of bylines that look nothing at all like hers.

So, to help out, here are the pages for JJ's books on Amazon. Just plug these in and you’ll be fine:

 https://www.amazon.com/Horsepower-J-J-Collins-ebook/dp/B01KYQ4P00/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=J.+J.+Collins+Horsepower&qid=1580155454&sr=8-1

https://www.amazon.com/Lost-Found-J-J-Collins-ebook/dp/B0160IPL9A/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=J.+J.+Collins+Lost+and+Found&qid=1580155503&sr=8-2

https://www.amazon.com/Priceless-J-J-Collins-ebook/dp/B01AIFPZU6/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=J.+J.+Collins+Priceless&qid=1580155552&sr=8-2

https://www.amazon.com/Speed-Dating-Romance-Go-Book-ebook/dp/B07657N533/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=J.+J.+Collins+Speed+Dating&qid=1580155587&sr=8-1

https://www.amazon.com/His-Super-Neighbor-J-J-Collins-ebook/dp/B07KYRZG7T/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=J.+J.+Collins+His+Super+Neighbor&qid=1580155633&sr=8-1

https://www.amazon.com/Cock-Bull-Story-J-J-Collins-ebook/dp/B07RL5ZQBY/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=J.+J.+Collins+Cock+and+Bull+Story&qid=1580155669&sr=8-1

Or type “J. J. Collins” and the title of the book you’re looking for. It’ll come right up. Maybe.

Better still, shop on the Evernight Publishing site, where you can find all sorts of great romance novels for all tastes and budgets without having to wade through page after page of things you’re not  interested in. Plus if you buy directly from the publisher, writers get a bigger percentage of the royalties. That way we can afford to keep writing the books you want to read. Happy hunting!

 

Cock and Bull Story, a M/M shapeshifter romance by J. J. Collins, will be available from Evernight Publishing on Wednesday, May 8. Here's a blurb, and a sneak peek:

Tauro is a bull shifter. Forced to leave the pro wrestling ring, he works off his aggressions as a street fighter. Gallano is a cockerel shifter from a family of famous luchadores. When the irresistible cock meets the immovable bull, sparks are bound to fly … but only if they can fight their way past their own mutual stubbornness.

Contains M/M sex

www.evernightpublishing.com

EXCERPT

He had nearly dozed off when he realized the raking claws had at some point turned into fingers. He peered one-eyed over his shoulder. Gallano’s human face grinned back at him. “Ah, there you are. Care to join me? There’s a lot less of you to pamper in your human form.” He danced his fingers down Tauro’s spine. “Though not by much.”

Tauro hesitated. In bull form, he had a definite size and weight advantage over a human Gallano. He could drive the man off his farm and settle the matter for good. But those hands were hard to argue with. Against his better judgment, he nevertheless morphed himself back into his human self.

Immediately Gallano moved his hands upward, to knead his neck and shoulders. The smaller man cooed at him, pleased. “Yes. So very much better.”

Of course they both were naked now. Tauro stole a glance at him, and was surprised to discover the cockerel bore a mighty fine spear—bigger than he’d expected, with a cap like an arrowhead and mouth-tempting thickness. Perhaps he wouldn’t need to look for a stallion after all.

No. He dare not encourage the pushy little bird. What was he thinking?

He was thinking it had been a long time since a man had stirred his desires. His own great bullish beast began to inflate beneath him, as if it sensed the opportunity.

Unexpectedly, Gallano moved and rolled Tauro onto his back. Taken by surprise, he had no chance to resist. Gallano crowed in excitement. “Ah! There’s the beauty I spoke of last night. So huge! Are all bulls hung so magnificently? I’ve been missing out.” He reached for Tauro’s dick.

Tauro slapped his hand away. “Behave yourself. Are all you chickens so grabby?”

“He who hesitates loses the worm. Or something like that.” He folded his arms on Tauro’s belly, rested his chin on them and stared wistfully at Tauro’s rigid member. “That’s no worm. That’s an anaconda. I know bears who would weep and gnash their teeth to own a dick like that.” He sighed. “And you won’t let me touch it. Such a loss. I suppose I must kill myself now.” He wiped an imaginary tear from his eye with a finger.

“Don’t be so melodramatic. It’s only a bit of flesh.”

“That’s far more than a bit.”

“Still only flesh.” Tauro fought to keep a devil’s grin off his face. “Nine thick inches of sweet, randy meat that would split you like a chicken breast. You couldn’t even swallow the head without choking. Perhaps you’d rather try one of the goats. They’re closer to you in size.” And get chased from the field by Billzebub. That would be something to see.

Gallano made a disgusted face at him. “Hump animals? Are you mad? What do you take me for? It won’t split my hand if I touch it.”

“You couldn’t wrap your fingers around it.”

“That sounds like an invitation.” He reached again for Tauro’s cock, this time with his eyes on Tauro’s, waiting for a no or go ahead.

Tauro found the urge to stop him waning. He had to admit he was curious—what the man’s hand would feel like, whether he actually could get his fingers around it. What Gallano’s tongue and lips could do to his eager beef stick. How it would feel to have Gallano’s surprisingly hefty cock spearing his mouth, or his ass. Would he taste like chicken?

Almost Forgot

You'd think I wouldn't have missed this, especially with Avengers: Endgame breaking box-office records left and right, and Free Comic Book Day happening on May 4, which was also Star Wars Day (May the Fourth be with you!). But His Super Neighbor, J. J. Collins's tribute to comic books and the people who create them, has been picking up excellent reviews over on Goodreads. It's an M/M romance about finding true love right in your backyard. Or front yard, especially if the hot guy across the street is outside mowing his lawn. No actual superfolk, but there's a man who creates magic with a pencil and paper, and true heroics abound. You can find it here at

  https://www.evernightpublishing.com/his-super-neighbor-by-j-j-collins/

Coming Wednesday, May 8: the release of Cock and Bull Story! I'll post an excerpt tomorrow.