Merry Christmas, Skynet

"Hey, Chloe. You mind if I borrow your dogs?"

"What? Sam, it's Christmas Eve. What do you need the dogs for? You're not going to try to hitch them up to a sled again, are you?"

"Well...not my sled..." 

"Ho ho ho. Is this the young lady?"

"Yeeps! Sam, what the hell, you brought home a mall Santa?"

"I can explain. Santa, you want to explain?"

"You're the naughty one here, Sammy. This is all on you."

"Oh shit. Okay. You know how I like hunting?"

"You like big guns that make bigger noises, that's what you like."

"Okay, I'll give you that. So I went out this morning, and y'know I haven't had any luck all season, but on my way back I saw this big ol' herd just standing there..."

"Oh God. Tell me you didn't--"

"He most certainly did. He shot three of my reindeer before I could stop him. Now the sleigh won't lift off. I need more pulling power."

"Then I remembered you've got the three huskies. I mean, they're sled dogs, right? So if we could just borrow 'em overnight..."

"Hold on a moment. What's with this 'we,' Sammy? I wouldn't be in this fix if you weren't so gun happy. Where'd you even get a gun? I certainly never brought you one. And he asked, you know. Repeatedly."

"Tell me about it. Look, I'd like to help, but--I know they're sled dogs and all, but they're not magical. They can't fly."

"You leave that to me. If you're worried about them, you're welcome to come along. I'm short an elf, too."

"Oh my God, Sam, you didn't--"

"Ho ho! It's all good, my dear. Rollo caught a bug. He's home in bed."

"In that case--oh hell yeah! Let me get my coat and a water bottle. I'll be right back with the dogs."

"Hey, don't I get anything?"

"You get to stay behind. Enjoy the lump of coal in your stocking. Ho ho ho."

The Next Big Thing

Looks like the bots are back in force again. Time for another strike against the creeping threat of AI. I know! Romantasy is big right now. This should throw those stupid machines off track...

$$$$

"Drat."

"Trouble, pet?"

"I've reached the end of the line. Literally. I've got poor Clytemnestra boxed into a corner and I've no idea how to get her out of it. I knew I should have planned out my scenes in more detail before I started writing."

"What's the poor dear facing now?"

"Well, she's managed to escape the vampires, but she had to leave Wilbur behind."

"She's better off. The man's a useless twit."

"I'm afraid I've come to the same conclusion. Perhaps he'd be better off as a vampire. Sexier, at any rate."

"I seriously doubt it. The man had little in the way of a personality to start with. I doubt if sucking blood will make him any  more appealing."

"And once again we're in agreement. I think Clytie and I have both abandoned him. That's something else she'll have to grapple with now. He certainly wasn't any good in bed."

"Really?"

"No staying power. One look from a woman and he'd go off in his pants. No, he's better off dead. Or undead. Though I'll bet even the vampires won't want him after a while."

"After a day. What did Clytie even see in  him?"

"I'll be damned if I know. He wasn't that big of a douche when I started writing him. He just seemed to get worse and worse as the story went along."

"So now poor Clytie, racked with guilt, has fled into the night--"

"Daylight. So the vampires can't go after her."

"Clever girl. She's far smarter than Wilbur. No wonder she dumped him."

"Except now she's alone. He wasn't much, but he was an extra pair of eyes. And a source of upper body strength for physical conflicts."

"Did he even know how to throw a punch?"

"He knew how to fire a gun. At any rate, even though the sun's out, she's still out in the woods with no food, no water, no weapons, and a horde of vampires coming after her the second the sun goes down. And I've no idea what I'm going to have happen to her next."

"Are there any naked warrior women out in the woods? She could have a lesbian experience. God knows Wilbur couldn't have been very satisfying."

"They're in Europe. Or an alternate Europe. The climate's too cold for extended nudity. What's a tribe of Amazons doing out there anyway?"

"Keeping the vampires in check."

"Hmm. There's an idea. Maybe not the sex part. They could escort her to a road or something."

"What a waste of perfectly good Amazons. You can do better than that."

"I know I can, but not this minute. What else is out in a forest? Ogres, dragons, Robin Hood and his horny men--"

"Wasn't that scene in Shrek?" 

"Dear Lord, you're right. That's it, I'm done for the day. Want to order pizza and watch a movie? Something with a better plot than mine?"

"I could go for naked Amazons."

"You can go pick up the pizza. I'll choose the movie, thank you very much."