Update – Last week got a little hectic. My day job has been sending me overlapping assignments this month, which means either focus on one and shortchange the other due to lack of lead time, or try to do two at once. I responded by withdrawing and blowing off my work time on computer games instead. This resulted in an all-day marathon, starting at 5 a.m., the day before deadline. And I got the sucker done. The solution to the game problem was simple: unplug the WiFi. Why didn’t I think of that sooner?
I still made time to work on my own writing, at least up until the weekend. The slow pace is actually working out to my advantage. I finally caught up to a scene that’s been sitting for so long I was able to objectively see just how totally out of character my one cast member was behaving. To be fair, I didn’t know her that well when I wrote the first draft. I’ve had more time to think things over and to get to know her better, and crafted a whole new version that imparts the same info and keeps the plot moving while staying true to who she is. It also nets her the machete, which she’ll put to good use in the climactic fight scene. As an added bonus, it solved a problem I didn’t even realize existed: in that same battle, another character steals the PI’s gun and shoots somebody. Nothing in the first draft even hinted she knew how to handle firearms, in either her world or ours. So this time around I had her hand off the machete with the explanation, “I’m not much of a fighter. I can shoot a gun and that’s it.” Now I can go ahead and have her blast away with a clear conscience because I’ve set it up. This is why it’s a good idea to let time pass between drafts: the distance makes the bloopers stand out more. You plotters have it so much better; you work out all this shit beforehand. We pantsers, who write on the fly, have to sweat through multiple drafts. On the other hand, we provide work for editors. Maybe that’s our true place in the publishing food chain.
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I’ll admit, I was in a pretty bad place emotionally last week. I think I’ve got a handle on it now. I’d better; I don’t have a support system, and I can’t afford therapy. I’m utilizing the Poor Person’s Approach to Combatting Depression: working at getting sufficient sleep, eating more fresh fruits and veggies, cutting back on sugar, taking stabs at exercise and getting out of the house more, and flat out unplugging and walking away from the internet. Looking back, last week’s anxiety and personal loathing was entirely self-generated. I let events overwhelm me and chose to shut down rather than take a step back and give myself a chance to regroup. Removing the source of temptation by pulling the Wifi plug did the trick. I got the work done with time to spare and felt much better afterwards.
I wasn’t quite over the hump, though. I jumped right into the next assignment, now with a shortened lead time because I had to wrap up the first one, but caught myself playing more games than doing actual work. I shut everything down and had a long talk with myself over what’s important. The next morning I got up and plugged in the WiFi, but this time with the resolution to take care of business first. And work got done, with the WiFi intact but without any swerves into games, and only brief forays onto YouTube. (Hint: you can tie up the net by running background music and enjoy yourself while still working.) I seem to be okay now, but I’ve walked this path before. I’m always fine after I give up the games…right up until the next time. The “next times” seem to be coming more frequently. I should be addressing the underlying problem, but the budget’s strained to the breaking point right now. Until I can earn enough money to afford a shrink, the coping mechanisms will just have to suffice.
I did learn some positive lessons from the experience. I’m capable of accomplishing more in a day than I thought I was. There’s a difference between taking a legitimate, needed break and totally screwing off. Schedules work. In this particular case, I’m the weak link in the chain.
It all comes down to time and the choices you make in how you spend it. Budget wisely and you can indeed have it all. Make a wrong, impulsive choice and you’ll be left scrambling. That may not often lead to true disaster, but it sure as hell feels like it in the moment. It can spike anxiety and a crash into hopelessness, or force you to assess and acknowledge what really matters. Do I really need to watch Thor: Ragnarok again? Deadline’s two days away. On the other hand, I can’t concentrate on the work right now and the longer I sit there, the more I feel compelled to play Spider Solitaire, which can and has stretched from “just one game” into a five- to seven-hour tournament. Or longer. Without pee breaks. That’s edging into self-destructive territory and is definitely not a good thing.
When I find myself hitting this particular wall, the best thing I can do is just get up and get outside. Or take a nap. Not play games or watch Ragnarok, because that just makes me feel guilty afterwards. Just change the venue for an hour or so. Drink water, take deep breaths. Then, once the panic passes, go back in and do what needs doing, like a real grownup. I could probably save even more time if I just breathed into a bag. I may try that sometime.
There is hope. I’m writing again because I made the choice to make time for it. I give myself an hour in the morning before I start paid work or mow the lawn or do anything else. That gets my daily writing obligation out of the way first thing. If I have the time and inclination at the end of the day after the paid work’s done, that’s gravy. On a good day, I can write, mow or pull weeds, make a sizeable chunk of progress on a paid assignment and be able to quit and watch Jeopardy or read a book at the end of the day with no guilt whatsoever. Those are the days I sleep well, too. I haven’t vacuumed or dusted in months. I can live with that but probably shouldn’t be content with it. Maybe I’ll start adding that in next week. Too much loaded on my plate makes me panic and spiral again.
Because it’s just me here. I don’t have backup. I’m my only source of income. I’m the one in charge, and sometimes that’s scary as hell. All I can do is keep on keeping on, and make better choices regarding my time than I have in the past. Like posting this blog. I used my morning writing time to get this done. Well, I can scribble flash tonight, or rewrite longhand and type it up later. And I’ll bet I just saved myself a ton of cash by dumping all this out on the Da Web instead of paying some douche with a degree to sit there and ask me, “How does that make you feel?” Thanks for handing me roughly fifteen minutes of your own precious time. I hope there was something worthwhile in here for you. See y’all next week.
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